


Life and Death

by orphan_account



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Be More Chill characters come in later, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Deserves Better, Fluff? Possibly?, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Being an Asshole, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self Harm, Self-Hatred, So does Evan, Suicide, all the feels, these are so out of order, this is all kinda dark and depressing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-07-28 21:02:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20070544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy are finally together, and Connor is getting better and better, when suddenly he tries to commit suicide. There are two outcomes: Life and Death. In one, Connor fails, and he and Evan needs to figure out why he even tried to kill himself. In Death, Evan deals with the grief of losing his best friend and lover when Connor succeeds.





	1. Before

**Author's Note:**

> Ok this is so random but I had this idea and wanted to write this. Chapters in the Life timeline will be titled Life: Chapter _. Same with the Death chapters, but like Death: Chapter_. Sorry if I get storyline things wrong. Evan never broke his arm, and their relationship is public. First day of senior year. Also tell me if you want me too add anything!

"Senior year. One more year til we're free." Connor Murphy said, stretching as he walked into the school building. Evan Hansen followed slightly behind his boyfriend with a smirk. 

"Collage." he reminded him. Connor just laughed it off.

"Collage is different. You get to study when and what you want, classes are less demanding, you don't have to go in the morning, and best of all," Connor said, looking back at Evan, "I'll have you." Evan grinned. 

"Still. It's not all fun and games, and we may not be in the same dorm."

"Hey, Murphy!" A loud and obnoxious voice called. Jared. He walked over to the pair, smirking. 

"Hey Ev. Connor, loving the new hair length. Very school shooter cliche." 

"Jared. Do everyone a favor and fuck off, would ya?" Connor said, tensing up.

"Jer, we talked about this..." Evan said , sighing. "Connor is my boyfriend. You guys need to get along." 

"Oh yeah. Are you too gonna come out to the school?" Jared asked, a strange glint in his eyes. Evan nodded hesitantly, getting a bad feeling.

"Good. HEY EVERYONE, CONNOR MURPHY AND EV-" he was cut off by both Evan and Connor putting their hands over his mouth. Jared shook them off, laughing.

"I'm just playing. I would never do that." Jared said, grinning. "When and how you too come out is your choice." 

"Good." Connor replied, smirking. "I've already got an idea."

"What is it?" Evan asked, only for Connor to kiss him then and there. Evan melted into the kiss, only to hear the principal yell,

"CONNOR MURPHY! EVAN HANSEN!" They broke apart, Evan blushing guilty and Connor smirking. The principal approached them, shaking.

"Never, in all my years of teaching, did I ever expect some shameful display in my hallways." He said, trembling. 

"Oh, yeah. Sorry Ev, forgot that our principal is a homophobe. I'm sorry." Connor said. The principal pulled them into his office. 

"Murphy, I've talked to you about this before. I do not accept shows of homosexuality in my hallways. Hansen, I must say this is a shock. Stay away from Murphy. He's not a good person." Evan stood.

"That's where you're wrong. Connor is a brilliant person, you just don't understand him." Evan spat, eyes blazing. He _hated_ when anyone said anything bad about Connor. Jared said he was prejudiced, but Evan genuinely believed Connor was a good person. No one understood him, the lonely feeling that both Evan and Connor knew all too well. As Evan said that, Connor looked up at him and grinned. 

"You usually aren't rebellious." he noted. Evan smirked.

"When it comes to my boyfriend, I am." Evan said, grabbing Connor's hand and leaving. Connor looked over at him with a strange smile.

"What?" Evan asked. Connor just pulled him sideways into one of the empty classrooms, kissing him. Evan let out a small laugh.

"This..." Connor mumbled against his lips. Evan smiled but pulled away. 

"Connor, as much as I love this, I don't want to skip on the first day of school, especially when we're on thin ice." Evan murmured regretfully. Connor sighed.

"Fine. What happened to being rebellious?" he asked.

"That was momentary." Evan teased, smiling. 

"Whatever. Love you, Ev." he whispered, looking into Evan's eyes.

"I love you too, Conn." Evan purred back, leaving one last lingering kiss on his lips. They left the classroom and went their separate ways for class. The entire morning Evan was distracted, thinking about Connor. He heard whispering, and more than once cries of "Gay!" and "Fag!" followed him, but he ignored them, feeling relieved when it was finally lunch. He found Connor sitting at a table alone, looking kinda depressed. Evan snuck up behind him, putting his hands over Connor's eyes.

"Boo!'" Evan said. Connor jumped a little and gave him a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Hey Evan." he said quietly.

"You ok?" Evan asked. "People giving you trouble about us?"

"I'm fine. And kinda. It's ok though. I can deal." Connor said, eyes on the table.

"Come on, Connor, I know you better than that. You're not ok." Evan pressed gently. 

"Evan, I said I was fine! God, can I not fucking say 'fine' anymore?" Connor snapped angrily. Evan recoiled, panicking a bit. _Ohmygodhessupermadhehasn'tsnappedatmeinforeverim doingthiswrongimabadboyfriendifailedhimnohelp... _Connor looked over at him and seemed to realize his mistake.

"Oh, god, Evan, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you, I'm just a bit tense." he said softly, hugging him.

"No, Conn, I'm sorry. I shouldn't of bothered you."

"You're my boyfriend and I've had problems. It makes sense." Connor said. The rest of the day was quiet, Connor being in a strange mood that could not be farther from this mornings. At the end of the day, Evan met Connor at his locker. 

"Hey. Are you coming over, or am I going to your house?" Evan asked.

"Um... Do you mind if I just go home? I'm tired and want this day to end." Connor said, frowning. Evan looked down. 

"Ok." he whispered. Connor put his hand under his chin and tilted his head up.

"Hey. I love you, Evan Hansen. You know that right?" Connor said, looking deep into his eyes.

"Yes. I love you too, Connor Murphy. Do you know that?" Evan replied, causing Connor to laugh.

"Yeah."

"See you tomorrow then?" Evan asked, noticing sadness flash in Connor's eyes, before he turned and walked away, leaving Evan standing there alone.

"Connor?"

* * *

Evan was at home on his bed. He had a very bad feeling in his stomach from the way Connor had been acting. He had been quiet, and moody. Connor hadn't acted like that in quite a while. He sat there thinking, and had picked up his phone to call him when an unknown number called. Evan felt superbad about it but answered.

"Hello?" A very distraught voice answered, full of tears.

"_Is that you? Evan?_"

"Zoe? Yeah! Where's Connor?" Evan asked, stomach hollow. He somehow already knew what had happened.

"_Evan... Connor just tried to kill himself."_


	2. Life: Chapter one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First chapter in the Life side of the story. Kinda gonna be sad, but nothing compared to the Death side (For obvious reasons). Love all my readers (Plz don't hate me) Also I will be adding BMC characters, not sure when and only in the Life side. I'll add the tags as I get closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! I know this one took FOREVER to appear, but they'll slow down even more (school is starting). I'M SORRY!!! Also this chapter is in Evan's point of view. TRIGGER WARNING: SELF DEPRECIATION AND HATE  
I looked up stuff about Ibuprofen overdoses, and tried to make the reaction as real as possible... sorry if little details are off.

After Evan got off the phone with Zoe, he dashed around his room, grabbing his jacket, phone charger, and some sticky notes, refusing to let himself cry. He ran downstairs and stuck a sticky-note to the fridge. 

_"Hey Mom. Not sure if you know, but Connor tried to kill himself today. I'm at the hospital with him. I love you. ~Evan Hansen" _he wrote. A single tear fell onto the paper as he re-read his words, sadness coursing through him. He then ran outside, then stopped. He had no way to get to the hospital. He sighed and pulled out his phone.

"Hey Jared. I need a ride to the hospital, badly." He said, pacing.

"_What? Why? Are you ok?" _Jared asked.

"I'm fine. I'll explain when you get here." Evan said, hanging up. He knew that would get Jared's attention. He couldn't stay on his phone, what if someone called? Evan stared at his phone, waiting for the dreaded text or call, telling him that Connor was _gone, forever, _and that it was _all_ Evan's fault because _I'mabadboyfriendthisisallmyfaultI'msosorryConnorItriedIthoughtyouweregettingbetterwhydidyoudothisohmygodhisfamilyisgonnahatemeIhatemewhypleasesomeonetextmetellmehesokthatitwasaprankbutitsnothesgonnadieandifI'dbeenabitsmarterhe'dbeoksmilingandstillherewillieverseehissmileagain... _Evan began to spiral, thoughts whirling one after the other, tears pouring down his face as he sank to his knees in his yard, wrapping his arms around himself. _ANDITSALLYOURFAULTEVANHANSENIFYOUHADGONEWITHHIMORGOTHIMTOCOMEWITHYOUHE'DSTILLBEHEREIT'SALLYOURFAULTJUSTLIKEYOURDADYOUDON'TDESERVELOVETHATSWHYTHISHAPPENEDTHISISWHYYOUCAN'TBEHAPPYYOU'REAMESSUPYOUSHOULDOFNEVERBEENBORNWHYDOIEXISTIFALLIDOISFAILIMSUCHABADPERSONNO_

"PLEASE, CONNOR...DON'T BE GONE... LET ME SEE YOUR SMILE AGAIN, SEE YOU HAPPY... SEE YOUR EYES LIGHT UP WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME...PLEASE!!!" Evan sobbed out to the sky, rocking back and forth. He took a breath. _Calm down, Evan. He's alive._ He sobbed into his knees, grief pounding through him. A shout ripped him out of his thoughts. 

"Fuck! Evan, you said you were ok!" Jared shouted, running to him. Evan stood and collapsed into his arms, sobbing uncontrollably. Jared patted his back awkwardly.

"Um, where's Connor? Who's hurt?" Jared asked, seeming to put two and two together when Evan sobbed even harder at Connors name.

"Shit!" Jared swore, pushing Evan to the car. "Get in." Evan did so, buckling up his seatbelt as Jared slammed on the gas. Evan unlocked his phone to text Zoe and stopped, pain hitting him sharply as he looked at his home screen. It was a picture of Connor. They had been messing around one day when Evan had taken it. Connor was in his regular hoodie, hair pulled up in a messy bun. He was smirking, and held up both middle fingers at the camera playfully. But what really hit Evan was the expression on Connor's face. He was looking just past the camera and his eyes were shining, full of love. Evan sobbed again, not caring that Jared probably thought he was insane. He texted Zoe.

_~Evan Hansen~_

_Is Connor ok?_

~_Zoe Murphy~  
  
__He's unconscious rn. But they think he'll wake up. Yr moms with him helping_

_~Evan Hansen~_

_Ok. Jared's bringing me to the hospital now._

Evan sighed, a bit relieved. Connor was most likely going to wake up.

"Is he ok?" Jared asked as they turned a corner a few blocks away from the hospital.

"He's unconscious, but he's alive." Evan said. His voice was watery. Jared nodded.

"I'm sorry for earlier. I shouldn't of said anything." he said, eyes fixed on the road.

"You don't need to apologize. We both know you wouldn't of if he hadn't done this." Evan said, tensing as the hospital came into view. The second Jared stopped Evan dashed out of the car and inside. He dashed up to the visitor center. The lady looked up.

"Can I help you, sir?" She asked.

"Yeah. What room is Connor Murphy in?"

"Murphy... M-U-R-P-H-Y?"

"Mhm. Connor." Evan said impatiently. 

"OK. He's in room 134. Just up that hallway." She pointed, looking shocked as Evan sprinted away. 

"Thanks!" he yelled over his shoulder. He continued running until he saw the Murphy's all huddled together in the hallway. Zoe was the first to see him.

"Evan!" she shouted, running at him and hugging him. She pressed her face to his chest. Evan gently pushed her off.

"So what happened?" Evan asked. Zoe sat down.

"He was acting really strange when he came home, in one of his moods. He hadn't had one of those in a while, since you two became... friends." Zoe knew about Connor and Evan's relationship, but Larry and Cynthia didn't.

"So anyways, he was acting moody, and he snapped at me when I asked him what was wrong. He went up to his room and I could hear him slamming things around, then went into Mom and Dads bathroom. He was in there for like 10 minutes then came down and left. He took Mom's car. I got a super bad feeling and decided to take Dads."

"But you don't have a licence." Evan said. Zoe nodded.

"I know. But I know how. So I followed him. At one point, he realized I was following him, and he lost me. I managed to find the car at the apple orchard. I parked Dad's and got out, looking for him. I found him-" she broke off to sob "-under a-a tree... there was a bottle of Ibuprofen beside him, a-along w-with the seal... It had been a brand n-new bottle, so they estimated he took 6 or 7... So I got him in the car. While we were in there he woke up a bit and saw me... He was sad, and he looked at me and told me, 'Don't save me. I l-love'-" She broke off again, "-'you sis... Tell mom I love her... and Evan...' He sobbed when he said your name, 'Tell Evan I'm so sorry, that I love him so much, and to find someone to be h-happy with..' " Evan blinked. 

"He... he did?" 

"Y-yeah... Anyways, he passed out again, so I started going faster. I was almost into town when a police officer stopped me. He a-asked me where I was going, so I-I showed him Connor, passed out. He asked for my licence, but I-I don't have one... He thought Connor was drunk and we were coming from a p-party... He was going to arrest me when Connor started having spasms... I explained what had happened and he escorted me here. They've given him activated charcoal and pumped his stomach. T-they said what I did saved his life, 10 more minutes and he'd be too late to save." Zoe said. She took a breath. Evan smiled weakly at her.

"It's a good thing you did what you did." Evan said. They all sat there for a few moments and just waited for news. After around 10 minutes his mother came out, looking shocked to see him. 

"Evan!" she said. Evan stood and ran too her, hugging her tightly. She supported him, then pulled back and looked into his eyes sadly. 

"I-is h-he gonna be ok-kay?" Evan stammered. 

"We think so. You guys can go in and see him." she said. Evan nodded and peeked into the room. Connor was lying on the bed, deathly pale, a oxygen mask over his mouth. He somehow looked a lot skinnier than this morning. He was breathing steadily, heart steady too.

"He's doing a lot better, he may wake up soon." One of the doctors said. "It's a good thing he was found so soon."

Evan sat at his bedside, taking Connor's hand. It was slightly colder than usual, but Evan wasn't really worried. He knew that there would be struggles in the future, but right now he was glad Connor was alive. Evan had kind of zoned out, but jumped when the hand in his twitched. He leaned forward a bit, gently squeezing Connor's hand, smiling when he squeezed it back. Connor shifted a bit and opened his eyes. The blue eyes met Evans and went wide. Evan hugged him, a sob building in his chest. Connor lifted his hand and rubbed the back of Evans head. 

"Evan... I'm sorry... I wasn't supposed to live..." Connor murmured, tears in his eyes. Evan pulled back.

"Why did you do it?" Evan asked. "Just this morning you were happy..." Connor shook his head.

"I'm sorry... I swore not to tell you." Connor said. His eyes widened as he realized what he said.

"You swore... to who?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, guys, I finished. Please tell me what you think in the comments. I love hearing from people who love my works.  
1 comment > 100 kudos. So please do that.  
On a sadder note, next chapter is first in the Death side. This is going to be a very dark side of the story, all about depression and sadness. I'm sorry to you all, and if you want you can skip the Death chapters.


End file.
